The Dreams in which I'm Dying
by Comfy Chair
Summary: The Trio put Buffy into a coma and force her to relive parts of her life. Can she influence how events turn out, change events - such as finally getting to read the slayer manual, not killing Angel...or Faith...not sleeping with Spike...not dying? Last chapter now posted.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I hope you all enjoy reading this story as much as I did writing it. It starts a couple of days after Buffy has confessed to Tara about her meetings with Spike. There will be three parts in total. Regards CC.**

**Preview of part one: **

"_**You're not me!" Buffy cried desperately to her sister. "Steal things, I don't care." Dawn self-consciously felt the lapels of her jacket, the same one she had given Buffy for her birthday. "Have sex even, I don't care….hate me, but don't be me." She held her kid sister by her shoulders. "Don't be me," she pleaded. **_

**Preview of part two:**

"_**I don't know what I was expecting to find," Faith said. She turned to face Buffy. "But I can tell you it certainly wasn't this." She turned away again and looked down at a dark-haired half naked man chained to the far wall. "I have to admit, B you surprised me. I didn't think you'd be into the whole master slave thing." Buffy approached her and stood by her side. "Mind you, I can see the appeal. I've even tried it a few times."**_

"_**No," Buffy cut her short. A vision of a blonde vampire flashed across her mind. "No," she repeated with a hint of desperation. "Faith, this is Angel."**_

"_**Oh. That clears up the chains question, but opens up a whole lot more."**_

**Preview of part three:**

"_**No! I'll not play their wish-fulfilment games any more. Don't come any closer!" She screamed at him. He ignored her and she didn't stop him as he wrapped his arms round her. "I don't remember this," Buffy cried into his chest. "I can't afford to make up new dreams…..I'm sorry, Angel." **_

_**She felt his hands on her shoulders as he gently went to hold her at arms length. She was then pushed violently backwards. She hit a wall hard and collapsed down it to a seated position. She opened her eyes, having closed them momentarily on impact, and saw Angelus looking down at her, a sword in his hand, and the demon, Acathla several feet behind. He lunged with the blade. Buffy only had time to instinctively flinch. The blade pierced her shoulder. **_

**Chapter one**

Seeking consolation in Spike's arms was not an option. Not any more. She had told him so only two days ago. By revealing her feelings, her shame, to Tara she realised she had been using the vampire more than the reverse; Spike may love her but she did not love him. She repeated the mantra whenever her mind suggested she seek him out to sate her need for action. She was determined not to use sex to forget.

Buffy leant her weight against a large imposing tomb to some forgotten Sunnydale resident; a hero perhaps or a villain, no-one remembered or cared even. Her face betrayed her thoughts, or the lack of them; a blank expression for the emptiness she felt. She had spent the last years of her childhood and all her adult life so far playing a part she hated. She was stuck in a contract she had been forced to sign under duress with no visible end-date, despite having tried to renege twice. Despite her feelings, however, she needed action. She felt the constant need for it: to seek it out, to relish its adrenaline-high like nectar, anything to make her forget. Sleep and action got her through the blinding sunlit days and the relentless nights.

She needed to fight something. She needed to kill something evil to justify her continued existence. Both were infinitely better than debasing herself. Yet the latter did not seem so bad; sex, after all, was merely a physical act between animals of the same species – mostly. She mourned the loss of her romanticism, adding it to the long list of things she had lost since being forced on this route march. She needed action.

"Hello, Buffy."

She turned her attention to the voice belonging to the person she had heard approaching for several minutes, and sighed dramatically when she realised who it belonged to. "Warren," Buffy acknowledged without enthusiasm. "You're a sore for sighted eyes."

Jonathan and Andrew joined their leader. "It's good to see you again…..all alone," Warren said ominously.

Buffy beamed with genuine amusement. "You're threatening me," she stated rather than asked. "That's so funny, yet quite insulting. Tell me, which should I react to, do you think?" She moved forward two steps.

"Don't move!" Warren shouted. He pulled out a revolver and aimed it at Buffy, his arm outstretched. "Get back!"

"What?" Buffy responded to the contradicting demands. She was annoyed and her body language betrayed her changing mood. She made to move but was jolted backwards. It was several moments before she realised she had been shot in the chest, just below her right shoulder. "You shot me!" She cried incredulous.

"Hey, dude you were supposed to shoot her leg. What's up, did you miss?" Jonathan questioned, with a note of rebellion.

"This will make it quicker," Warren preached. He returned his attention to his victim. Buffy had backed herself to the wall of the mausoleum and slid to the ground. Her eyes stared straight ahead, a mixture of shock and curiosity at the sudden development. The mix of emotions being conveyed and the fact that she was extraordinarily attractive momentarily threw him. "You didn't expect that did you?" He finally plucked up the courage to say.

Buffy looked up at him. "Yea, but you shot me," she repeated. "Super-human strength or not, it still hurts," she added coming to her senses. "First you say don't move or you'll shoot, then you say move, then you shoot me. Do you even have a plan?"

"Oh yes, most definitely, and it's just started." He turned away from Buffy. "Come on, guys, now we wait," he said cryptically. The three would-be crime-lords left Buffy slumped against the tomb.

"Did no-one ever tell you not to turn your back on a wounded animal," Buffy called after them, but was ignored. She rested her head against the stonework. Her chest hurt and the violent throbbing of the wound made her head pound. She wrapped her coat round herself, covering the bloodstained blouse to keep warm. She looked up at the stars; a field of diamonds laid out, it seemed, for her benefit alone. "Pretty," she said childlike and closed her eyes.

When she opened them the first thing she saw was Spike.

She stared up at him as he stood over her. Eventually she held up her hand. Spike took it and pulled her to her feet. Buffy's shoulder erupted as gravity fought against his strength. It eased only slightly when the vampire released his grip and she stood unaided. He still seemed to tower over her, though.

"Thank you," she offered. "What're you doing here? This isn't your neighbourhood."

"House hunting…...you blew my last one up, remember?"

"Only the basement. The ground floor is still half presentable."

"If a tad unsafe structurally."

Buffy smiled despite feeling uncomfortable in his company so soon after their last conversation. She edged pass him.

"What's up, don't you trust me?"

She turned round. "I trust you…I just don't trust me." She turned again to walk away.

"Just tell me you don't' miss me." He took a few steps forward and called after her. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to throw me against that wall and…."

"Please!" She begged. She stopped but did not turn around.

"You can't live without me," Spike persisted. "I'm your fire; your reason for continuing your existence…."

Buffy swung round. "But that's all it is! An existence. Our relationship..…it isn't even a relationship!I…...I hurt you. We have sex and I hurt you and…..I enjoy both."

"I get a special kind of pleasure from it as well."

"Stop it!" Buffy pleaded. "You know what I mean. You're not that obtuse." Spike walked up to her. He gently stroked her hair and she leant into the caress. "It's not fair," she whispered. "I opened my heart to you last time and you still play me," she continued as Spike guided her to the wall. He ran his hand down her body. "I can't love you," she said.

"You never say you don't, just you can't."

"I….it's just sex. I enjoy the sex."

"I believe you. No-one is that good at faking it." Buffy flinched at the crudeness of the remark and edged along the wall out of his grip. "It's more than just the sex," Spike persisted.

"No!" She cried, partly to convince herself. "I don't love you! I…..don't," she repeated barely audible.

"I don't believe you."

"Do you want it in writing?" A third voice interrupted. "Leave her alone already."

Vampire and slayer turned to the newcomer as he appeared from behind the tomb. Buffy wanted to cry out when she saw Xander standing before them. She wanted to flee, but that never accomplished anything; she always ended up returning. "How long…?"

"Long enough," her friend replied and turned to leave.

"Xander, wait," Buffy pleaded and pursued him. She found Willow and Anya waiting for them and stopped in her tracks. Agonising seconds passed as friends faced off. Buffy felt a rare sense of helplessness and did not like it. "Please don't look at me like that." She sensed Willow's disappointment and Anya's contempt, and a mixture of both from Xander. "You don't know how hard it's been..…I needed a release…..something to…don't judge me!" She changed suddenly when she could not bare the silence any longer. "I won't be judged by you!" Spike joined the scene. Buffy looked to him briefly. "I haven't done anything wrong," she said softly. She then saw Dawn.

"Buffy….." Dawn started.

Spike went to his ex-lover's side. Xander grabbed him by the shoulder but the vampire twisted the grip into one if his own, causing the younger man to bend with the strain it put on his back. "Believe me, it would be worth a splitting headache to hurt you," Spike said with a menace none of them had heard from him for a long time.

"You brought Dawn?" Buffy asked taking everyone by surprise. The look in her eyes scared them. "You brought Dawn on patrol with you." This time it was a dangerous accusation, made more frightening by having Spike standing beside her.

"We're not on patrol, Buffy," Willow said.

"It's OK," Dawn added. "I came prepared." She produced a stake from her jacket pocket.

Buffy was caught off guard again and her earlier menace drained from her face to be replaced by horror. "Throw that away," she commanded. "Get rid of it. Throw it away!" She half ordered, half cried. "Please."

"Why?" Dawn asked shocked at her sister's reaction. "I'm older than you were when you started…."

"You're not me!" Buffy cried desperately. "Steal things, I don't care." Dawn self-consciously felt the lapels of her jacket, the same one she had given Buffy for her birthday. "Have sex even, I don't care….hate me, but don't **be **me." She held her kid sister by her shoulders. "Don't be me," she pleaded.

"Buffy," Willow said from behind. "We came looking for you…your father phoned."

Buffy looked questioningly to her sister. "It's true, Buffy," Dawn confirmed. "He's coming tonight."

Buffy stepped back. "William, would you take Dawn home, please?"

"William!" Xander spat in disgust at the familiarity.

"Shut up, Xander," Dawn said. She went to Spike's side. "Aren't you coming home too?" She directed at her sister.

"Later. I'll be there later." She walked away from the gathering. No one went to stop her.

Spike took Dawn's hand and they both made to leave. Xander grabbed his arm again. "Do you have any more secrets you want let us in on?"

"We all have our secrets," the vampire responded cryptically, but with a knowing expression that agitated the younger man.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just thinking, way back when Buffy went to stop Angelus from opening that portal, and you went to meet her…..well I wonder whether she received all the info she needed then." Spike watched his words have their effect; Xander stepped back remembering the moment all too well. "It's not so much the secrets themselves, White Knight, but why we feel we can never confide them to our friends."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy had been standing behind the tree in front of her house for over an hour before she decided to finally enter. In that time she had resolved to be nice; to be welcoming. When she opened the front door, however, and saw her father with her sister, all her good intentions disappeared.

"Buffy!" Dawn welcomed with relief. "Daddy's home."

"Oh good, an adult."

"It's good to see you, Buffy." Hank made to approach his eldest daughter.

Buffy moved to the side. "I'll put some coffee on."

"How are you?" He asked not oblivious to her avoidance.

She turned to face him. "What are you doing here, father?" Buffy asked wearily whilst rubbing her eyes.

"What sort of….I heard that you had been hurt…."

"Well, you can see I'm fine now. Mom's still dead though."

"I know and I'm so sorry…."

"Thank you for that. Now, to the coffee." She entered the kitchen to find Spike drinking. She giggled manically. "I wonder what my dad would say if he saw you drinking that."

"I'd say it was cranberry juice," he suggested. "And offer him a glass."

Buffy laughed genuinely. Dawn then joined them. "What were you doing in there?" The younger Summers girl demanded. "Could you be more unwelcoming!"

"I don't need a father…..I need a Watcher."

"**I** need a father," Dawn almost pleaded, ignoring her sister's near silent entreaty. "I need a sister too."

"I'm sorry. It's just I have so much anger bottled up. Where has he been, Dawn? I just freaked when I saw him near you, as though the last year hadn't happened."

"I know," Dawn placated, comforting her as though she were the elder. "I have a list of questions as well, but…..not tonight, huh? He's home, Buffy. Make peace before we interrogate." She smiled.

They both left the kitchen. Buffy held Dawn back briefly. "You know I wasn't serious this evening….about you having sex, that is."

"I sorta guessed that, and…..about you and Spike, I…I'm happy you found someone when you needed to."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

A few minutes later Buffy stood a few feet from her father. "I'm sorry for my earlier….poor hospitality," she offered awkwardly. "It's been a bad day, which started really early."

"It's OK, Buffy," Hank said as he made up the gap and embraced his daughter.

"You're here to stay, right? To look after Dawn."

"….yes."

"Good. I'm glad." She broke away. "I'm tired. I really must get some sleep."

"Of course. Sleep well, dear. We'll talk more tomorrow."

Buffy reached half way up the stairs and stopped. Her chest hurt like fire and her legs felt fit to fail her each step she took. She had barely made it back to the house. Her bedroom door was visible and she looked longingly at it. It would be so easy to just lie down, Buffy thought. But, running away never achieved anything; she always returned. She also heard Dawn's earlier words echo in her head. She turned round. "Spike, would you take me to the hospital?"

"I wondered if you'd get round to asking." Buffy looked puzzled. "You're bleeding….I kind of have a heightened sense for that."

"You're bleeding….." Hank copied.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy lay unconscious on her hospital bed; electrodes and tubes attached to monitor her vital signs and drip feed her drugs to keep her alive.

"I don't understand," Hank said for the third time. "She was fine when we brought her in."

"The doctor said the bullet had a hollow casing….some drug was released into her bloodstream," Xander explained having returned from speaking with the medical staff. He knew them quite well, having spent many an hour at the hospital during past crisis.

"But why did she take so long to tell us she had been shot…..and who shot her? Does she have a death wish or something?"

No-one replied.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Some time later, Warren stood over the still comatose slayer. "You kept us waiting. I expected you here hours ago. What, do you have a death wish or something?" He leant over the bed and placed an electrode to each temple. "Still, at least you're quiet now….none of your usual sarcasm," he added crouching down to plug in a small metal box to the mains supply. "Sweet dreams, slayer."

Minutes later he sat in his van with his partners in crime.

"Did you connect everything?" Jonathan asked nervously.

"No, I thought we'd try hypnotism instead. Of course I did! Now sit down, Frodo and be impressed." Warren flicked a switch. He leant forward and spoke into a long slim microphone. "Can you hear me, Buffy?"

"Warren, is that you?" Buffy's voice responded loud and clear from a speaker suspended from the roof of the van.

"Yes!" He celebrated. "Science beats magic!"

"Why can't I feel my lips move when I talk?" Buffy asked.

"Because you're thinking, not talking, stupid."

"I'm gonna hit you in a min…why can't I feel my arms move? OK, explain."

"It's called…..well, actually it's not called anything. I haven't named it yet. Wow, this is so cool, I get to name something."

"Warren!"

"Alright already. The guys and me are having a video evening."

"And where do I come in?" Buffy asked.

"You're the video."

"Come again?"

"I think I'll call it a dream reader or, perhaps dream viewer." He flicked another switch. "You're going to dream and we're going to watch."

"Thank you! Finally an explanation. Why is it the bad guys always take so long to….hey what's happening? Where am I?"

to be continued


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two**

Buffy opened her eyes. She found herself standing in a brightly-lit corridor; students bustled pass on both sides. She staggered.

"Hey, give some warning before you stop!" A student said as he edged round, and barely missed colliding with her.

"Sunnydale High," Buffy confirmed out loud. "With walls and a roof. Hey, guys," she spoke to the ceiling. "This is cool. I'm impressed."

She started to make her way down the corridor, taking in all the long-familiar sights, sounds and people. She passed a classroom door. A black blind was pulled down on the other side of the window and Buffy caught her reflection and stopped short. "Oh my God, what am I wearing?" She said, horrified at the image before her. She was dressed in a low cut blouse and short skirt. "I can see my legs and…" she cupped her breasts, "…I was never this big surely. Boy, I've lost weight over the years. No wonder Xander was always staring at me."

"Will you get over yourself," a girl commented as she passed by Buffy.

"Cordelia!" The blonde called to the brunette.

The taller girl turned round. "How do you know my name when I don't know yours? Who **are** you?"

"Well….I'm new, I guess," Buffy paused briefly and looked to the side. "Hmm, my first day." She looked back up at the nervous girl who was not yet her friend. "It's my first day and someone pointed you out as being the person to talk to…..for advice and tips and such like…..you know, what to wear who to mix with," she played on the old Cordelia's sense of importance.

"Oh, the new girl. Yes, I was told there was one this year. You're from LA aren't you? We're gonna get along fine, I just know it," Cordelia enthused confidently. "A word of advice, though," she leant in close. "I would cut down on the talking to yourself gig. I've tried it. It's good for getting out of a couple of classes, but after that the staff start to think it's endearing and ignore it altogether."

"Thank you for that," Buffy responded with her best deadpan expression.

"Don't mention it. Come find me at lunch break and I'll introduce you to the in-crowd. In the meantime, try not talk to anyone as you may make a social faux pas by picking an untouchable."

Buffy was certain the modern Cordelia would be horrified at what had just transpired. They parted and she continued down the corridor, enjoying the nostalgia-trip and occasionally testing if her skirt would pull down further. She stopped again when she came to the door leading to the library. "Giles," she mouthed quietly to herself.

The library. She had not given it much thought since leaving school, but she suddenly regarded it as an old friend; an extension of the Scooby Gang. It was the place they always congregated to plan, and assembled after a plan had come to fruition. It was a sanctuary, a home of sorts. A psychiatrist, she thought, would probably interpret her thoughts as simple nostalgia or a desire to return to the womb, or perhaps a need for stability. The library was comforting with its old tomes; the silence it demanded and…..Giles emerged from the office behind the counter.

Buffy closed the small gap between door and counter. She slapped her hands on the flat surface and leapt over the barrier, and threw herself at the librarian, who barely had time to register shock. She clung to Giles; her legs wrapped round his torso, her arms round his neck. She did not kiss him or say anything, preferring instead to just hold him.

"Err…I'm new here, but…I'm pretty certain students are supposed to stay on the other side of the counter," Giles stammered.

Buffy released the stunned Englishman and stepped back from him. "You…you don't know me, do you?" She asked slowly. "But, of course you don't, we haven't met until now. This is so real," she said to herself, looking off to one side. Sensing the unease that defined his character, which she realised Giles had successfully overcome in the intervening years since this first meeting, Buffy looked up at him and smiled. She held out her hand. "Hi, I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"Miss Summers! Of course," Giles became immediately animated. "I've been expecting you. I've read Merrick's diaries and I think we'll get along just fine."

"Merrick?" Buffy repeated. She realised she had not thought of her first watcher for nearly six years, and felt guilty for not thinking of him for six years.

"Yes," Giles continued, oblivious to her unease. She remembered his enthusiasm from their original first meeting. Everything else in this dream was different, but not the childlike eagerness of a watcher glad to meet his charge. "Yes, he err….he wrote at great length about you….full of praise. He…he said you showed great promise, despite an occasional odd sense of priorities."

"Did he…I mean, did he say I showed promise?" Buffy was quite shocked and moved.

"Hadn't you better go to class?" Giles broke her reverie.

"Class? I've got to go to classes as well?" She responded looking up at the ceiling. "I mean, yes I should go to class, thank you." She went to kiss him but thought better of it. Before she exited the library she turned round again. "I'll read the book later," she said cryptically.

"Book?"

"The one you were going to show me…the really big one?"

"Oh… yes, I see. How did you know?"

"There's always a book, right?"

"I tend to find there is, yes."

"Cool….hey, you don't happen to have a slayer's manual back there, do you?"

"Why, yes I do. Hold on, I'll just fetch it."

Everything went blank.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"This sucks….big time," Buffy said out loud as she sidestepped a charging vampire, staking it through its back. "I mean, what's with the quantum leap?" A second demon was despatched just a quickly. "I really wanted to read that book," she pouted walking away from the scene.

She had found herself standing in a graveyard moments after having been in the library. She walked to its edge. The cemetery stood on a promontory affording its residents a view over Sunnydale. Buffy shared the vista. "I only wanted to see if I've been doing it right….the dying part notwithstanding." She suddenly came out of her mood. "Mom….."

Buffy ran the considerable distance from the cemetery to her house, fearful she would blank out again and find herself somewhere else. She was relieved to find she had her key and fished it out of her pocket whilst still running. At the front door she drove the metal into the keyhole, hitting home first attempt and pushed open the door. Her mother sat on the stairs facing her.

"Mom!" Buffy cried and leapt into her arms.

Joyce just had enough time to stand and receive the hug. She pushed her daughter to arms length away. "Where have you been, young lady!" She demanded. "Damn it, Buffy we haven't been here long and you're out all night. You should be doing your homework. You've missed too many lessons since the fire at Hemery."

Buffy stood back from her mother. She was too happy to see her to be bothered by the tirade and willingly took the scolding; relished its familiarity even. "I'm sorry, mom. It won't happen again, I promise."

"Well, you just make sure it doesn't. Now get to bed. I expect you up early for school tomorrow." Buffy nodded and started up the stairs. "Buffy," Joyce called after her. She looked round. "I feel good about this place. I think we can both overcome the past here….if we try." Her daughter smiled.

Buffy closed her bedroom door behind her. Tears flowed freely; joy at seeing her mother again. "Thank you," she said simply to the darkness of her room.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy woke up to the sun shining through her bedroom window. The ray of light hit her bed, warming her feet beneath the duvet. She watched dust motes, caught in the spotlight, undertake their rhythmic dance. A slight breeze entered the open window and threw the tiny particles into confusion. Buffy sat up in bed and thought about the day ahead. She tried to remember what she had originally done on her second day at Sunnydale High. She had difficulty in conjuring up the memory after so many years. Yet it hadn't been that many. It was more that so much had happened; enough for two lifetimes.

She draped her legs over the side of her bed and immediately found herself in the school library. She slipped out of her thoughts and off the table she was sitting on. Giles, Willow and Xander stared at her. Buffy's confusion, whilst blissfully brief, was soon replaced by embarrassment.

"I….I fell off the table," was all she was able to say as she lifted herself back on. She then noticed how short her skirt was. "Oh, good grief." She lowered herself to the nearest chair and sat primly, knees locked together.

"Ah….as I was saying," Giles struck up, "Halloween being traditionally a night of rest for vam…."

"It's Halloween!" Buffy blurted out. "I mean….yay, it's Halloween…" she went silent again

"As I was saying….are you OK, Buffy?" Giles enquired. The slayer smiled enthusiastically. He looked puzzled which elicited a wider smile. "As I was saying, vampires tend to stay away on Halloween, so I do not think you will have any trouble on your evening begging for tooth decaying sweets."

"You're just jealous, admit it," Xander taunted, "Because sugar was rationed when you were a child."

"Just how old do you think I am?"

"I think we should check out the shop we hired our costumes from," Buffy suddenly announced. The others turned to her making her feel uncomfortable. The confrontation in the cemetery, back in the real world, was still fresh in her mind. "I mean, the owner was a bit suspicious, I thought…didn't anyone else find him….suspicious," she floundered.

"Obsequious, perhaps, but then he was English…" Xander took one step back and hid behind Willow.

"Yes, exactly," Buffy warmed to the subject. "I think he said his name was Ethan," she added and looked to Giles for a reaction, but got nothing to signify he recognised the name. "Do you know him?" She ventured.

"No."

Buffy was shocked at the obvious lie. "Oh…I thought, as he was English, you would….never mind."

"There are a number of us in this part of the country," Giles offered. "I believe there is a market for them to play butlers in your television shows."

"Or the mysterious enigmatic villain," Xander added.

"Exactly," Buffy stood up and stepped forward to emphasise her point. "Which is why I think we should investigate."

"But why, Buffy," Willow asked. "I mean, do you think he's cursed the costumes, cos' that would be cool…..I meant to say odd and disturbing," she shrunk behind Xander.

"I'll look into it," Giles said seriously, exerting his authority over the proceedings.

The bell rang for lessons and the pupils left the library. Buffy was filled with thoughts of seeing her friends dressed in their costumes again and Angel coming to the rescue. At the intersection between two corridors a familiar figure walked past them.

"Willow," Buffy stopped and turned to her friend. "What do you think of Oz?"

"Oz?" Willow was puzzled at the question. "He's in the year above us, isn't he?" Buffy nodded. "He's kind of cute…in an adorable sort of way. We go to the same computer studies club. Why do you ask?"

"Why don't you ask him out?"

"What?…..no….No! What if he turned me down? What….God, what if he said yes?"

"I think he'd say yes. You have a lot in common."

"Such as?"

"Well….you both like computers and….." Buffy struggled to think of something else. If it was Tara, she could have made a list. "You've both got the same colour hair…..most of the time," she added weakly. "…..and you're both short."

"Hey! I'm taller than you, Little Miss Slayer."

"OK OK, bad example."

"Jonathan's taller than you." Willow added.

"Hey! He is not! You are not!" Buffy repeated, looking up at the ceiling. "Sorry." She looked embarrassed when Willow looked at her curiously. "A touchy subject."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Willow and Oz were being very friendly on the comfy chair opposite Buffy. She had walked into her class ready for biology, only to find herself walking into the Bronze and a further slip in time.

It seemed so natural seeing Oz with her friend again, but at the same time it was odd. When did Willow realise she was gay? Buffy thought to herself. She could not recall a blurring of the line from Oz to Tara. It was none of her business, of course. Buffy loved Tara like a sister and missed her being with Willow. She had to admit to herself she felt better able to confide in Tara than Oz. It made her feel sad when she also realised she could talk to her better than Willow, in fact. Perhaps it was because everything she said to her close friends lately felt like a confession, and Tara was sufficiently remote to play the part of priest.

Buffy put all such thoughts to the back of her mind, however; this night she had more pressing concerns. Cordelia joined them on cue, Xander in tow.

"Check out the slut-a-rama and her disco-date," she gestured to a dark haired girl dancing with a fan of 70s culture. "What was the last thing that guy danced to, KC and the Sunshine Band?"

"See," Willow levelled at Buffy. "If you go dance with Scott, you'll not look the worst on the dance floor."

Her one-time brief boyfriend had only moments earlier asked Buffy to dance, and she had turned him down. Again. Buffy couldn't conjure a hint of attraction for him now. It worried her; he was a nice, kind friendly guy, and attractive with it. She put it down to the fact she was in reality 21 and he only a senior, but it didn't stop her from wondering whether her tastes had changed for the better or worse.

"I'm a good dancer, thank you very much," she said eventually. "….aren't I, Xander?"

The dancing brunette allowed herself to be led from the club by her partner. He might as well have worn a large V for vampire on his shirt.

"You may want to follow those two," Buffy suggested cryptically.

Willow perked up "You mean he's…."

Buffy nodded. "I'll follow you," she lied. When her friends had left, she stood up and left via the rear door. Faith Day One called for some more preparation.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The following day found Buffy in the same time zone. She realised she was going to have to face Faith. She pushed her way through the main entrance to the school, her eyes closed in case she orbed somewhere else, but her surroundings still remained the same. "Great," she sighed dramatically.

"Hi, Buffy," an enthusiastic Willow skipped up to her side. "What happened to you last night?"

"I…I chased a group of vampires away from the back door."

"You should have come back to us. Buffy we have another slayer," the redhead blurted out.

"We do?" Buffy tried her hardest to be surprised, made harder by her amusement at her friend's excitement. She was willing to wager she didn't get much sleep the night before.

"Yes," Willow continued, skipping backwards so she could face Buffy as they negotiated their way along the hallway, only occasionally bumping into other students on the way.

"What's she like?" Buffy asked.

"Faith…that's her name, by the way…you'll like her."

"Yea, but what's she like?" Buffy eyed her friend suspiciously.

"...kind of Gothic."

"What, like Wuthering Heights?"

"More the Cult, actually…..but I'm sure you two will get along."

"Of course, what with my habit of wearing pastels and all."

"I feel she may be hiding something," Willow added thoughtfully. "You know? As though she has a history or is hurting deep inside."

Buffy was impressed. "Wow, that's three well worn clichés. Either you're very astute or you've been hanging with me way too much. I wonder what Giles will say."

"We took her to Giles last night. He likes her, I think."

"Oh….," Buffy wasn't expecting that development. "Did he think she was 'Gothic' too?"

"Oh, you know Giles," Willow replied. "Mention Gothic to him and he thinks Wagner."

"Faith the Valkyrie?" Buffy mulled the vision over in her head. "Buffy the Valkyrie? Now that sounds quite cool."

"You haven't the stature."

"Granted, I admit. It sounds better than Slayer. That's so negative…..intimidating."

"Isn't that sort of the idea? Buffy the social worker would kind of fall flat."

"I suppose so," Buffy conceded with a smile. "It's just not very inspiring. What do you do, Buffy? I slay."

Willow nodded her head sagely. "But, you could always say you save the world and make it a better place to live in."

Buffy laughed. "OK, PR girl. You'll be charging commission next. So, you liked…..Faith."

"She has some….. interesting stories. You must ask her to tell you about the time she hugged a vicar naked…..Xander likes her."

They both headed for the library for their morning briefing with Giles.

"I should warn you, Giles may be a bit cranky," Willow advised as they stood by the door to the Watcher's domain. Buffy looked questioningly. "Apparently there's a Watcher's retreat in England…..Faith's watcher is there. Giles has never been invited."

"Poor soul," Buffy smiled at the memory.

"Oh…and Faith thinks Giles is cute."

"Does she? I think I may have to speak with her."

They pushed through the library doors.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"But first lets go somewhere completely different and relive another exciting moment," Buffy said to herself when she caught herself from tripping down the last step that led into the courtyard. "Come on!" She shouted to the sky in exasperation. She then saw Willow up ahead. Her friend looked round briefly, a sad look on her face, which worried Buffy.

"So, Buffy. I wanted to…there's a thing I wanted to ask you," Xander said.

Buffy was startled to find him standing alongside her. "What?" She asked.

"Let's go over there and sit." He pointed to a stone bench a few feet away. After ushering away a student already sitting there, they both sat down.

"Hi, Xander," Buffy finally got around to saying.

"You know, Buffy, Spring Fling is a time for students to gather…."

Buffy suddenly looked horrified. "Oh no, Xander, this isn't the time you ask me to the dance is it?"

The young man looked away briefly. He turned to face her again, his hands nervously tapping the bench. "Buffy, I want you to go to the dance….what do you mean is this the time I….did Willow tell you?"

"No, no I…." Buffy stuttered and paused for some inspiration, desperate to avoid the awkwardness she recalled from when he has asked all those years ago, but realising she had already blown it. She wondered whether she should say yes this time.

"I bet she did," Xander continued. "Never mind, it's out in the open now. What do you say….the dance, I mean…..you me going…..?"

"Xander…."

"Buffy, I like you….a lot, and I know we're friends and we've had experiences…we've fought some blood sucking fiends….."

"Xander…."

"You know, when I planned this in my head there were less interruptions. Buffy, I want more….and that didn't sound near so desperate when I said it to myself….."

"Xander, please. The answer is no. I don't feel the same way you feel about me. I'm sorry…I….."

He stood up, a young man rejected. "It's OK….I'm not him. I mean I guess a guy has to be un-dead to make time with you."

Buffy knew she had said something in reply before, but the comment now was too close to home and she looked away. A thought suddenly occurred to her. "Why don't you ask Willow?" She suggested, a hopeful note in her voice.

"What?"

"Ask Willow….in fact, I'll put it to her and…"

"I don't believe you," Xander interrupted upset at the suggestion. "You're offering me a consolation prize? I don't want to go with you, but I can get you a replacement?"

"That's not what I meant. I would never treat Willow that way…or you."

"I'm sorry. I guess I don't take rejection well…funny, considering all the practice I've head, huh?"

Buffy let him walk away. When he had disappeared into the main building she rubbed her eyes. "OK, that wasn't so much fun," she said to herself. "I can't believe I handled that worse than the last time." She looked up at the sky. "And it's such a beautiful day." She allowed the sun to warm her. Her memory grabbed her attention back. "Spring Fling? That means I have to face the Master tonight," she smiled. "I'm only sixteen. I don't want to die….now that's funny." She laughed out loud, oblivious to the puzzled stares it elicited from passing students.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The entrance to the Master's cave led into her kitchen

She found herself mesmerised by a brunette devouring food. Faith sat at her dining table and helped herself to another serving of fries from a large bowl positioned in the centre.

"Faith!" Buffy couldn't help exclaiming. She was facing one of her worse enemies, or at any rate, one of the mortal ones. She knew she would have to face her eventually. This tour of her past made it inevitable. She just wasn't expecting to see her like this, although she recalled the day in question.

"Sorry," the younger slayer looked sheepish, thinking Buffy was commenting on her taking more than her fair share of the food.

"So you're a slayer too," Buffy's mother stated. She sat at the head of the table. Buffy sat down opposite Faith. "Isn't that interesting. Do you like it?"

"God, I love it," Faith replied.

Joyce spooned some more food on to Faith's plate. Buffy held up her own plate hopefully. "Buffy never talks about it," Joyce continued. "Why do you like it?"

"Where's Dawn?" Buffy asked suddenly.

"Who dear? Is that another friend? Should I lay another plate?"

Buffy was shocked by the reply. Whilst she knew Dawn never existed at that moment in time, she had memories of her being there. She recalled her sister being enthralled by the mysterious guest. She had gone to bed that night and written several pages in her diary. Buffy knew that because she had sneaked a peak. Why wasn't she here now? Was it a flaw in the monks' spell? She missed her.

"Well, when I'm fighting," Faith picked up on the earlier question. "It's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing; I'm gonna win, they're gonna lose. I like that feeling."

"It doesn't always work out that way, unfortunately," Buffy added.

"I don't let that kind of negative feeling in."

"Right. Right," Joyce latched on enthusiastically. "That can get you hurt. Buffy can be awfully negative sometimes. See, Honey, you have to fight that." She got up from the table and went to the kitchen to get some more drinks.

"She's cool, huh?" said Faith.

"Best mom ever." Buffy agreed. She watched Faith continue to devour the food. She was experiencing mixed emotions; her mother was there, but Dawn wasn't, and the girl before her was not the person she had grown to hate. Not yet. What had changed her from the girl she was looking at now to the one she nearly killed on the terrace a year later? Her mother re-entered the dining room with extra drink and a fresh batch of fries.

"Mom, can Faith stay here?" Buffy asked. She looked to the other slayer for her acceptance to the suggestion. "It's better than a motel, surely," she added.

"Of course, that sounds a great idea. It'll be like having a sister, won't it? I've always felt guilty we never had a second child to keep you company."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Late the following evening the two slayers pushed their way through the library doors. The rest of the gang were seated round the table, apart from Giles who stood in the doorway to his office. It was burger night and various wrappers and milkshake cartons were strewn around.

"What I'm saying is, you should show a little more control and a little less…self," Buffy said to Faith as they approached the others.

"What do you mean, B?"

Faith wasn't paying total attention to her partner, it being primarily levelled at Xander. She winked at him. The young man was in the process of cramming several fries into his mouth. He caught the gesture, however and looked left and right to see if anyone else was there to receive it.

"I mean, a little more thrust with the stake and on to the next vamp, and a little less wiggling it just over the heart until it faints from the pain," Buffy continued. "At the same time taking the trouble to check if your companion needs any assistance." She noticed Xander's look of discomfort. "And what is it with you and kicking to the groin?" She added for effect.

"Hey," Faith responded, turning to her. "I'm with Machiavelli on matters of war."

"Uh huh?"

"The end justifies the means."

"How interesting," Giles perked up. "Have you read The Prince?"

"Yea, cool book."

"Rule number one in the library," Buffy said as she walked up to the table. "Don't make Buffy look small in front of her watcher. I mean, it's not as though I don't already have a height problem. Xander, did you eat all the fries?"

Silence followed as the remainder of the food was eaten. Eventually, everyone stood up and prepared to leave. Xander cleaned the table of the remaining fries that thought they had got away.

"Willow and Oz are coming to my place for the night. We're having a Star Trek marathon. Anyone else want to join us? Pizza is on the menu, cooked in the family oven, I might add. That's worth it alone as it seldom sees any use."

"I would but…well no I wouldn't," Faith replied. "I mean, Star Trek? Please! See you around." She grabbed her half drunk cola and waived goodbye to the others, sucking at the straw at the same time.

"Buffy?" Willow offered.

Buffy watched Xander's puppy dog look at the lost opportunity as Faith left the library. She held back from laughing and turned to Willow. "No thank you, Wills. I've got to….return something. I'll catch you tomorrow."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Half an hour later Buffy entered Angel's house. The mansion was empty and her footsteps echoed. She stood in front of the imposing fireplace and pulled from her trouser pocket the claddagh ring Angel had given her the year before. She placed in on the stone floor and stepped back to the far wall. Lowering herself to the floor, she prepared herself for what Angel had later told her would happen. It still came as a shock, however. After a couple of hours of waiting, a brilliant flash of light startled her. She flattened herself against the wall when she saw a figure fall from a vortex above where she had laid the ring. A naked Angel landed heavily on the floor in front of her.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The following night she approached the mansion again, this time with Faith. She stopped short of the entrance and turned to face her sister-warrior, only just avoiding a collision of slayers.

"Some warning would be good," Faith suggested.

"Sorry." Buffy stepped back slightly and looked to the entrance. "Faith…..I need to show you something."

"Sounds intriguing. I guessed there had to be a reason for dragging me up here."

Buffy pushed open the door and ushered her in. Faith squeezed pass and stood to let her lead the way. When she saw Buffy wasn't going to move from the doorway, she made her own way forward. Buffy eventually followed and nearly walked into Faith.

"I don't know what I was expecting to find," the brunette said. She turned to face Buffy. "But I can tell you it certainly wasn't this." She turned away again and looked down at a dark haired half naked man chained to the far wall. "I have to admit, B you surprised me. I didn't think you'd be into the whole master slave thing." Buffy approached her and stood by her side. "Mind you, I can see the appeal. I've even tried it a few times."

"No," Buffy cut her short. A vision of a blonde vampire flashed across her mind. "No," she repeated with a hint of desperation. "Faith, this is Angel."

"Oh. That clears up the chains question, but opens up a whole lot more."

Faith walked confidently closer to the sleeping vampire, noticing his dishevelled appearance. He suddenly woke up and immediately started thrashing wildly. Behind her Buffy flinched back, but Faith didn't move. She just observed the mad-thing for several seconds. When she turned to her companion she caught Buffy wiping her eyes. Faith's expression became one of shock, but Buffy thought she saw a brief flash of rare emotion. Perhaps the gamble was justified.

"You took a big risk in showing me this," Faith stated.

"You're a slayer, like me. You needed to know I had a vampire chained up. I want you to be able to trust me."

"I trust you, Buffy. Do…..do you trust, me?"

"Yes." Buffy responded. She saw vulnerability and a strange contentment in Faith's eyes, and felt guilty at the blatant manipulation; her playing with hindsight. She wondered why she was even bothering to change things, when she could find herself somewhere else by just walking through the next door. It occurred to her that Faith was just as much a victim. They weren't so much opposites as mirror images.

"Do we hug now?" Faith asked.

Buffy smiled. "I don't think so."

"But he might like it." She gestured to Angel. "It might arouse him…..from his present state."

Buffy looked down at her former lover. He was watching them closely; whether judging if he could rip their throats or hide from their stares, she didn't know. "He'll wake up soon," she said confidently.

"OK, although that wasn't what I meant."

"I know what you meant, Little Miss One Track."

"Don't come the innocent with me," Faith taunted good-naturedly. "You're excited by those shackles. The hint of violence makes you feel alive." Buffy looked away. "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me." She placed a hand on Buffy's shoulder. Buffy turned to her. "There's nothing to feel ashamed about, B. We're slayers, unique, special. We live our lives on the edge. Adrenaline keeps us going and everything else is monotony, grey. Try as we do to squeeze something from life; friendships, whatever are never enough….say, can he break free of those?" Faith changed the subject.

"Yes, but it'll make for a beautiful moment when I catch up with him."

"I can imagine."

They made to leave the mansion and Angel. Buffy stopped short. "Faith, do you ever…..do you ever tire of life?"

"Are you kidding? I can't get enough!"

to be continued


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N. Thank you for reading this far. I hope this last part does not disappoint. I would love to receive any views you may have. Regards CC.**

**Chapter three**

Buffy and Faith approached the library. "You don't have to be there, if you don't want to," Buffy offered.

"Of course I do. I want to be there to defend you when they scold and deride you, which they're going to, you realise don't you?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

A few nights after she had revealed the newly-resurrected Angel to Faith, Buffy had decided to tell the others. The two slayers entered the library. Xander, Willow, Cordelia and Oz were seated round the large table by the book stacks. Giles stood by the entrance to his office.

"Something tells me we're too late," Faith suggested.

"Uh huh, and I thought I'd got the timing right," Buffy added remembering the scene laid out before her. She walked boldly to within a couple of feet of the table and stood before her peers. "I have a confession to make."

"No kidding!" Xander was first to comment. It's always Xander, Buffy thought. "I saw you last night making out with our old friend Angelus."

Faith looked at Buffy impressed. She returned an exasperated look, which only made the new slayer smile. "Ever the active imagination, Xander," Buffy responded.

"Buffy, we're concerned," Willow spoke up. "I know this looks like we're here to judge you…"

"Well I certainly wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition."

"No one expects the Spanish…..sorry, wrong mood for the occasion," Oz went quiet.

"You should have told us, warned us in case he turned out to be dangerous," Xander preached. He had stood up, the only one of the group, Giles excepting, to do so.

"I judged the situation to be safe."

"And you are a good judge."

"Yes, it's in my job description," Buffy replied, her voice becoming heated.

"You should've told someone!" Xander persisted.

"She told me," Faith added, standing alongside the accused. "So, that makes two girls looking out for your safety."

Buffy stifled a smile. She was really getting to like this version of Faith. "If I thought the situation was dangerous, I'd have dealt with it accordingly."

"You'd have slain him." Xander continued. "Tell me, would that have been before or after having sex with the devil."

"Well, I certainly wouldn't propose marriage to one, that's for sure!" The comment was for another time and therefore had no impact.

"I think enough has been said," Giles ended the argument. "Every one can go home whilst Buffy and I speak alone."

Faith sat down at the table as the others walked round her and exited the library. Buffy followed Giles into his office. She knew what she had said originally but held off this time. Giles, however repeated his words oblivious. "You have no respect for me or the job I perform," he said with venom.

Buffy was immune to the tirade this time and her anger had been stoked by Xander. "Yea, and the Council have this really cool pension scheme going for me. Tell me, just how many slayers are there in the sidelines waiting for me to die?"

"Don't be so melodramatic, girl."

"Girl! That's great, my day is never complete without being patronised by a Watcher. I've sacrificed love, a career, a family of my own…..my life, and had Heaven torn from my grasp…." She realised she was attacking the wrong Giles and part of her felt guilty for it. "Well that was cathartic, if a bit pointless," she added. "I'm sorry, Giles. I do need you," she offered him; safe in the knowledge it was true, then and in reality. "I should have told you about Angel."

"Yes you should," Giles agreed. "Buffy, I can't guide you or help you if I'm kept in the dark. I trust your judgement …. always, but we are team, you and I. Willow and Xander play their part, but they have their own lives and will eventually want to go live them away from demons and monsters. My life, however, is yours."

Buffy offered her Watcher a smile and made an excuse to leave. Faith trailed her from the library. "You were quiet," she said to her.

"It's impolite for the audience to disturb the cast," Faith replied. "I'm impressed, though. You showed great restraint."

"I did?"

"I'd have hit someone."

"Oh, I should have told them sooner," Buffy conceded. "I thought my keeping secrets from my friends was a recent development, but it seems it's been a habit as far back as now….which I realise makes very little sense."

"Sure it does, if you're a future Buffy reliving past events." Buffy gave her a blank look. "I got bored one night and watched X-Files on cable."

"Oh," Buffy felt relieved. "Did you find it bit tame?"

"Do you mean demons and aliens? Yea, nothing like reality."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"You're quiet tonight," Faith observed.

"I feel guilty leaving Willow behind," explained Buffy.

They had left her in her bedroom. She had prepared a pouch of herbs and magic ingredients to ward of demons, but Buffy had told her she couldn't come; it was too dangerous. She would have taken the time to explain it more, but tonight was important.

"I'm dying to use this crossbow," Faith said with enthusiasm, completely ignoring Buffy's

predicament.

"I can't believe you went back for that."

Buffy found herself reacting to a script written years before. She had agreed to let Faith talk her into robbing a shop the night before, had gotten arrested and escaped, all on cue.

The following night found them both walking down a familiar alley, so familiar Buffy felt she had it etched on her consciousness. They were heading towards a warehouse where the demon, Balthazar resided. A vampire suddenly leapt in front of them from above. Buffy laid into it with high kicks and punches.

While Buffy was making violence Faith attempted to load her bow. "Screw this," she said eventually and discarded the weapon. Seeing Buffy on the ground, she grabbed hold of the vampire and threw him against the wall, wasting no time to stake him with one of the crossbow bolts.

"There's more coming," Buffy shouted. They both set a brisk pace. "We're never going to make it to the warehouse at this rate.

"If they keep coming one at a time we've got a shot."

Their pathway narrowed and another vampire jumped out in front of the two slayers. Faith shoved him face first into a wall and pulled him back to the other side. Buffy staked him.

They rounded a bend and a third figure appeared. Buffy was ready. She had rehearsed this moment a hundred times. She pushed Faith aside and pushed the suspect backwards. She then made a show of staking him.

"Buffy, no!" Faith shouted from behind.

Buffy stopped short and stood back. The deputy mayor, clad in his nondescript grey suit sat on the ground scared, but alive. Buffy knelt on the ground but looked to the sky. "I actually did it," she whispered to herself, relieved she had changed history by preventing Faith from killing the innocent human.

"I'm sorry, B but I had to stop you," Faith tried to explain, misinterpreting Buffy's response as shock.

Buffy stood up. "While we have him we might as well question why he's here. It can't be just a coincidence."

"I agree."

The city official sprung to his feet and attempted to escape. Buffy grabbed him by the shoulder, and all went blank.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy staggered with the suddenness of the changeover. Faith stood barely inches from her, a look of shock on her face; her eyes wide open. Buffy looked down and found her right hand gripping the hilt of a large blade. It's metal was embedded in the brunette's stomach. Buffy released her hold of the dagger and stood back, her hands held over her mouth to stifle sound from escaping.

"You did it," Faith said through gritted teeth. "You killed me," she smiled, as though she was the one who had triumphed.

"No!" Buffy eventually screamed. She grabbed her friend before she could fall backwards off the terrace. "No! Not this time." She pulled Faith into a hug and took her weight when her legs gave way. She dragged the girl to the wall and lowered herself to the floor, Faith's still form cradled across her lap. "Please, this can't happen. Not this time. This time is different."

"Regrets already, Buffy?" Faith managed to say when she regained consciousness. "Why? You did good; defeated the bad seed. Don't spoil it by feeling guilt."

"But, we're sisters! We're a team." Buffy persisted.

"We were never sisters!" Faith spat. She summoned the strength to pull herself off Buffy and to sit unaided against the same wall. "Everyone thinks you're the good girl, the one who never misuses her gift, who does her duty. But I know the real you. We're mirror images. When I look at you I just see me; same desires, same love for violence, but with a better ability to mask it."

Buffy realised all the changes she had made over the preceding weeks meant nothing to the near-dead girl slumped before her. All her efforts had ceased to exist in the instant she had been transformed to this point. Faith didn't remember the new-found trust they had built together because to her it had never happened. "It was supposed to be different this time," she whispered.

"We're not different," Faith, responded having miss heard her. "Look at yourself in the mirror two years from now, if you survive that long, and you'll see me staring back at you. You'll hate yourself as much as I hate you now. But I have to admit, it's been quite a ride…..." She wasn't able to finish; her back arched up in a spasm of brief pain before she slumped forward.

Buffy sat looking at her for several minutes. She knew she should go to Angel to offer her own blood to save him. "He survives," she whispered to justify her inaction. She contemplated taking Faith to the hospital. "She returns," she whispered again. "No more." Buffy stood up. "I won't play any more!" She shouted to the sky. "Do your worse, but I wont fight it any more." She walked to the doorway to the apartment and pushed the door inwards, "Do your worse."

She found herself in her own living room. Her mother lay unconscious on the sofa.

Forgetting all her earlier resolve, she ran the short gap separating them, lifted her mother off the chair and lowered her to the floor. Sitting astride her she attempted CPR. A split second later she was astride Angel in his LA basement apartment. He was naked, his top half above the covers, and she was barely dressed herself. Buffy backed herself away from him, kicking with her feet to push herself to the foot of his bed, spilling what looked like chocolate ice cream over his chest. Her face was a mixture of silent horror and fascination.

"This never happened," she cried. She pulled her legs up close and hugged herself foetus-like.

"Buffy, what's the matter?" Angel asked concerned as he reached forward to pull her close.

"Don't touch me! This….never happened. I would remember…"

"There's nothing to fear. The Powers said I was human again. The curse has no effect now."

"Liar! I can't change anything. I've tried, but I still ended up stabbing…..she still died…" she stepped off the bed and backed away from Angel, "…and you're still the living dead…"

"But I'm still here. We made love and I am still here…"

"No! I'll not play their wish-fulfilment games any more. Don't come any closer!" She screamed at him. He ignored her and she didn't stop him as he wrapped his arms round her. "I don't remember this," Buffy cried into his chest. "I can't afford to make up new dreams…..I'm sorry, Angel."

She felt his hands on her shoulders as he gently went to hold her at arms length. She was then pushed violently backwards. She hit a wall hard and collapsed down it to a seated position. She opened her eyes, having closed them momentarily on impact, and saw Angelus looking down at her, a sword in his hand, and the demon, Acathla several feet behind. He lunged with the blade. Buffy only had time to instinctively flinch. The blade pierced her shoulder.

An instant of searing agony was followed by darkness. The blackness was so total she knew it could only be one place. She screamed and pushed upwards. Her palms felt velvet, which she ripped away, then the wood of her coffin. Her panic stopped when something pinned her arms back. Shadows slowly formed. A silhouette looked down at her. Buffy felt her whole body shake, making her arms go rigid with the violence of the spasms. She felt like screaming again, letting out every heartache she had endured. Every agony, shattered dream and false promise. Her eyes eventually adjusted and the silhouette took form.

"Xander?"

"I've been waiting for you to jump my bones," the demon possessed young man said triumphantly.

"Xander, please…please get off me."

"Is that what you really want? We both know what you really want. You want danger dontcha'. You like your men dangerous…..dangerous and mean like Angel…."

Buffy looked away, and closed her eyes. She opened them again, but kept looking to her side.

"Do you know how long I have waited," he stroked Buffy's face. She looked up at him, at his eyes. Her own betrayed shock and horror. She knew her friend was possessed; she remembered the behavioural change, "waited until you stopped pretending we aren't attracted," he continued.

Xander leant in closer until his face was barely an inch from hers. When she didn't struggle he sat up slightly and regarded her, a smile of conquest, of lust. He kissed her with a violent passion, releasing her arms in the process. Buffy still didn't move, keeping her arms stretched out allowing him to indulge his fantasy. Eventually she brought them round and embraced Xander. Rolling him over on to his back she returned his passion with her own craving to wipe out all other emotion and memory.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy buttoned up her blouse and pushed back her hair. She stood by the door to the unused room, her back to Xander, who sat against a desk looking at her.

"That was good…..unexpectedly good, actually," the young man commented. "Violent too. You've done this sort of thing before." Buffy ignored him. "Keeping secrets isn't healthy, Buffy. Not between good friends like us. Tell me, who taught you…..wow, if looks could kill," he paused when Buffy turned to face him. She turned back and put her hand forward to grasp the door handle. "We must do this again some time…..say do you want to go to the Spring Fling?" He laughed. Buffy pulled open the door. "See you later."

"Probably," she uttered.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Bright sunlight assaulted Buffy's eyes. The sudden heat buffeted her and she reeled backwards.

"Whoa, Buffy you OK?"

She started at the sound of Willow's voice, nearly stumbling again.

"I've been looking for you. Let's go sit under that tree over there."

Buffy looked along her friends' line of sight. She bridged her eyes with a hand to focus and discern where and when she was, to give herself advance warning of what to expect and prepare her response. The memory of a sword piercing her flesh flickered across her mind, followed by her driving the knife into Faith, followed by Xander's lust mixed with her own, followed by her mother dying in her arms. She then felt a rush of air all around her as she flew downwards, a wood and metal tower getting farther away. She didn't hit the ground, however, and eventually saw Willow and the tree again. Her friend led her to the shade.

"You're shaking, Buffy."

The Slayer flattened herself against the tree, her arms semi stretched out to brace herself. Dagger, sword, rushing air, Xander's hands on her body, Angel's passion, sword, dagger…..she eventually clutched at the lifebelt that was Willow's voice and let her guide her to the soft soil beneath the tree.

"I've seen some panic attacks in my life, mostly through a mirror, but that was scary. Deep thoughts?" Willow added in an attempt to illicit a response.

Buffy looked up at her. "Do you ever look at yourself….at a picture of when you were younger….innocent?" She asked cryptically, looking straight at her friend, ignoring her obvious discomfort. "Do you wonder how someone so young could ever do the things you do now?" Buffy looked away and spied upon other students laughing and enjoying the beautiful day. "If there is one thing I remember about the old Buffy, the 16 year old schoolgirl, it's her optimism; such a fun-loving enthusiastic person. I used to weigh more then as well. It's as though the joy of life has stripped itself from my body, leaving an emaciated victim."

"Buffy….."

"Go, Willow. Leave Sunnydale," she said coldly, remembering at last what this moment in time signified.

"What?" Willow was hurt and confused.

"I know you're going to offer to stay here instead of going to some better college in the East, but go."

"But, I want to stay," Willow almost pleaded and it broke Buffy's heart to hear it.

"And I want you to go."

"Why….why would you…..?"

"Because you can….and I can't. That knowledge…..that you can walk out at any time….I could end up hating you for it."

"I wouldn't let you."

"Willow, leave, start over, meet a girl and fall in love…"

"A girl?"

"What?"

"You said meet a girl and fall in…."

"I meant a guy." Buffy closed her eyes.

"Oz and I are very happy," Willow stated firmly.

"I know, and I really meant to say a guy, really I did. You know he's a werewolf, right?"

"Buffy….."

"Of course you do. You find out long before this moment. I remember." Willow reached out a hand. "It's getting so confusing." Buffy looked at her friend. "There's no order to it; one minute I'm stabbing Faith, the next I'm pushing the sword into Angel….."

"Stabbing Faith! When did you stab Faith?" Willow sat back from Buffy.

"Sorry. See, you don't even know I did that; the order is…..out of." Buffy stood up. "Excuse me, I must be going. Consider what I said."

"Where are you going?" Willow asked, but she did not get up to stop her friend.

"Which way is the wind blowing?" Buffy walked to the nearest entrance and re-entered the school. She was thrown backwards again.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The impact of being shoved against the corridor wall set off a host of stars, flickering like sparkles from a firework. She used her arms, spread flat out against the wall, to hold her steady.

"Enough!" She shouted into the air. Her voice echoed in the hall devoid of bodies to absorb the sound. All except one figure standing across from her.

"What's up, Slayer had enough already?" Spike taunted.

"I wasn't talking to you," she returned.

"Now, is that any way to speak to an adult?" He stepped closer to her. "This is parent teacher night, right?"

"It wouldn't surprise me."

"Well then, let me teach you something."

"Believe me…..Spike, we've..…I've probably already done it before."

"Yea? In that case I'll just skip to the part where I kill you then. Now where's that axe…."

"Mom!" Buffy screamed.

Joyce struck from behind and the vampire keeled over. "What a nasty man."

Buffy approached her mother and looked down at the unconscious, pre-chipped vampire. "Oh, he's not that bad…once you get to know him." Buffy realised she would never find out about their affair. "Mom, what would you say if I… if I said I was seeing someone…..someone who is strictly not the most responsible person?"

"Does he make you happy?"

"And most of my friends…dislike him intensely."

"Does he make you happy?"

"He's irresponsible and dishonest, has a chequered past…."

Joyce made up the gap between them and placed her hands on her daughter's shoulders. "Does he love you?"

"He says he does."

"Buffy, honey, if you trust him, I…. approve." She tidied her daughter's hair.

Buffy leant into her hand. "Thank you," she said simply and hugged her mother. "I've wanted to ask you for so long."

"You can ask me anything, dear. Any time."

"I know." Buffy broke away from her and turned back to the door. "That's enough, guys," she said into the space between her and the exit. "Flick your switch and end this." She walked through the door.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

She stood on a long walkway that stretched into darkness. Wind whipped at her ankles. The platform swayed gently. Buffy looked over the edge. She saw her friends fighting below. "Oh great, my finest hour, no less." She looked to the end of the ramp. "If that's what it's going to take…" Buffy took four strides and flung herself into the void beyond.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy awoke in the hospital room. Monitors either side of her played a high-pitched melody, monotonous in their regularity. She lay there unmoving for several minutes waiting for something to happen. When nothing did, she carefully pulled out the variety of drips and electrodes attached to her and draped her legs over the side of the bed. She stood up. A wave of nausea flooded over her, causing her to stagger back to the bedside. Buffy briefly thought she was going to change her location again, but soon realised it was just the result of lying down for a long period. At that moment a nurse entered.

"Miss Summers…..you're awake," she stated the obvious in her surprise to find her charge out of bed. "You really shouldn't be up yet.

"How long have I been….unconscious?"

"You came in six days ago."

Buffy considered the reply. The weeks she had spent with Faith, the other experiences, all had occurred in only six days. Tomorrow I'll rest, she thought. "Where are my clothes?"

"You can't leave yet, not until the doctor…"

"My clothes." Buffy repeated dangerously. The nurse pointed to the locker on the far side of the room. "I'm leaving, OK? When I'm gone, phone…..phone my home and tell whoever is there I'll see them later."

"Where are you going?"

Buffy didn't reply. She was still buttoning up her blouse when she exited the room.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The back door came off its hinges quite easily. Buffy discarded it and stood looking in at three very shocked figures. "Well that's a relief. It would've been very embarrassing if I'd picked the wrong van." She climbed into the Trio's command centre. It was an impressive array of electronic equipment.

"Buffy…" Jonathan started.

She back slapped him across the face. "No talking!" She glared at him, daring the former school colleague to continue. She looked round at the screens, buttons and dials, feeling lost in a foreign country, and stood on the same spot for what seemed like several minutes.

"Are you going to kill us?" Jonathan asked. She looked at him horrified.

"She can't kill us," Warren sneered from the front of the van. He had squeezed himself into the far corner. "She's the hero here; Slayers don't kill humans."

He was right. Looking at the three rejects from society Buffy suddenly felt at a loss what to do; how to respond to the threat they posed. She could not even beat them to an inch of their lives for fear of over shooting. She rubbed her right shoulder, almost oblivious to the action and sat down on the nearest stool.

"Does it still hurt?" Jonathan spoke once more.

Buffy glared at him again as if she was angry at having her thoughts disturbed. She looked down at her shoulder and pulled her blouse down to see her skin underneath. She didn't know whether to expect a bullet wound or a sword point. "I'm so tired," she spoke quietly shutting her eyes. "I've been asleep for a week but I'm…" she looked up and caught the others quickly look away embarrassed. "Oh come on." She released her blouse to cover her shoulder again. "You've been watching me on wide-screen, surely you've seen more flesh."

"Well….no, actually," Jonathan offered. "We saw only what you saw…through your eyes."

"Modest as I am, that must have been frustrating."

"Oh I don't know," Warren stood up confidently. "I caught the odd mirror shot."

"I'm glad I could oblige." Buffy stood up and headed for the rear door.

"Where are you going?" Warren demanded.

"Home," she sighed. "Be good, guys."

"Fuck you!" He moved forward. "We're not school kids you can talk down to."

"Hey, man, be quiet," Andrew spoke for the first time.

"No! We deserve more respect. I deserve more respect! We're the Trio."

Buffy turned round. "Do you really think you merit special attention?" Buffy responded contemptuously. "Do you really think you're up there with the likes of Angelus and the others I've fought? You're nothing! You had to build yourself a robot girlfriend and Jonathan would have killed himself if I hadn't prevented it, and you….." she pointed to Andrew. "I don't even know you."

"My brother…."

"Oh right, you're someone's brother." She turned to leave but stopped short and turned back. "You know what? All three of you are typical products of the Xbox Age; human beings are just characters in a video game to you, not flesh and blood. You're the reason religious leaders have such a control over this country. An hour spent with you and I'd be burning Harry Potter books!" She allowed herself to take several deep breaths to calm down.

"If it's worth anything," Jonathan spoke up. He inched forward. "I'm sorry. I didn't know beforehand….."

"Didn't know what?" Buffy asked impatiently.

"About you dying."

"Which time?"

"Both."

"Well, now you do. Did you really have fun, using your remote control to flick me backwards and forwards?"

"Buffy…."

"Couldn't you at least have followed some order? I mean, do you read a book from the middle out?"

"Buffy, there was no remote." She stared at him, a feint realisation clawed at her consciousness. "How could we control your thoughts when we had no knowledge of what you had been through?"

"What R2D2 is trying to say," Warren butted in, a look of triumph on his face. "But far too gently, is you put yourself through it all. We were just the audience." Buffy lunged forward and grabbed him by the throat. "You must really love pain, slayer" he gasped. "Tell me, was it cathartic, reliving all your bad points or 'are the dreams in which you're dying the best you've ever had'?" He quoted cruelly. Buffy tightened her grip and Warren grabbed her arms in a futile attempt to break free.

"Buffy!" Jonathan shouted from behind. "Don't kill him. Don't add his death to your memories."

She relinquished her hold and shoved her nemesis to the back of the van. "You're right. I'm sure someone else will kill him one day."

"You should feel lucky; blessed that you get to live again," Warren added in a voice hoarse from the abuse that had been inflicted on it.

"Why?" Buffy asked, her tone expressing surprise at such a remark. "It just means I get to die again. The first time was from a bite to the neck. Nothing erotic; it hurt. The only saving grace was that it meant I was unconscious before drowning in a pool of water. The second time, I jumped from the mother of all towers into a flaming vortex…" She looked away. "Reincarnation isn't the chance for new life, it's just waiting to die again."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It was a sunny, dry day. Buffy stood by her mother's grave with her father alongside her. "I'm sorry," she said simply, staring down at the inscription on the head stone.

"What for, dear?"

"For being mean and angry. For not trying to reach you for months. For…"

"Don't be silly. I haven't been around when you needed me. I've…..I spoke with Xander and Willow. They put me in the picture; told me what has been happening the last few years."

Buffy looked up at him, trying to read his thoughts. Just how much had they revealed? She chose to ignore her fears. "That must have been a long night," she smiled.

"Made worse by the fact I needed a large part of it explained twice. I wish you had told me. I could have helped you all this time."

Buffy knelt down and placed a small bundle of wild flowers on the neatly cut turf. "It started when I was barely sixteen. If you'd known then you wouldn't have let me out of the house. Mom only found out by default after nearly two years."

There followed an awkward silence. Buffy didn't know what to say, whether to dredge up a memory at random and discuss it, or perhaps seek advice. Giles was her normal confidant, but he was too busy earning air miles, she thought bitterly.

"Buffy," Hank said eventually. "I….I've met someone….I know this is probably not the most appropriate time, but…."

"It's OK Do you love her?"

"Yes and….she lives in Boston. I've arranged a posting there…..no more travelling."

Buffy knew where he was leading. She looked straight ahead. "I hear it's a nice city." She looked up at him. "Safe."

"I think so. It'll be a chance for Dawn to start over. A chance for a normal life."

Buffy didn't argue. She had tried to protect her mother from the shock-waves that rippled off her life, to no avail. Willow had suffered as well, changed perhaps irretrievably from the sweet and shy girl she had cherished. Dawn deserved to be spared.

Hank looked down at his daughter, seemingly reading her thoughts. A lock of hair fell across her eyes in the warm breeze. He gently pushed it back. Buffy put her arms round her father and quietly mourned for the years she could remember before she turned sixteen, for the unknown future and for the years in between.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy stood in her bedroom, phone in her hand. The person on the other end had hung up minutes before, but she kept hold; both hands wrapped round the mouthpiece. She stared unblinking at the floor in front of her, breathing slowly. She raised her eye-level to the window and the darkness outside. Eventually she turned and walked onto the landing.

She stood in the doorway to Dawn's bedroom. It was bare of belongings, of everything that made it Dawn's and not just another spare room. Her sister had left with her father two days ago. She walked to the other empty room; formerly her mother's, but more recently Willow and Tara's. They were gone as well. She turned away and made for the stairs. Each step she took echoed as though the house was choosing to add insult to injury. She reached the bottom of the stairs and stood there for several minutes, struggling to think of something to do. Eventually she walked to the front door, picked up a stake from the coat rack and left the house. "Don't wait up," she said without turning round.

The streets were empty; shops closed and curtains pulled across house windows as Buffy put one foot forward and followed through with the next. She entered the largest of Sunnydale's many cemeteries and saw two figures approaching.

They were two seniors from a local school, members of the football team who had mysteriously disappeared several days ago. She stood in front of them allowing them to come to her. The largest and most impetuous charged. She stood her ground, only moving when he was at arms length. She grabbed him by the collar, one hand on the front, the other at the back of his neck. She yanked her arms down, pulling the demon's head hard onto the knee high stone of the closest grave. The force of the collision of cartilage and stone made a mess of its face. Buffy wasted no time in staking from behind.

His colleague backed away in terror and fled. Buffy gave chase. When he looked like he would get away, a branch thrown at his legs felled him. Momentarily stunned, he lay on his back and looked up at Buffy standing over him. He was about to say something when his words were snatched from him by a stinging kick to his head. Buffy grabbed him by the collar and belt and lifted him up. Walking only the required short distance, she tossed him forward like a sack of potatoes onto the picket fence that encircled the cemetery. The vampire's body was wide enough to take four wooden posts. It took only one, however, to turn him to dust. Buffy pushed through a nearby gate and headed home without bothering to observe the result of her action.

She was momentarily excited when she reached the front path leading to the house; the lights were on upstairs and down. It was short lived, however when she remembered she had purposely left them on. On entering her living room Buffy caught her reflection in the mirror on the far wall. The memory of Faith's words echoed. She saw only her own reflection: a petite blonde. A young woman many would consider attractive, some would consider desirable. She picked up a paperweight from a nearby side table and threw it at the image before her. The Glass shattered and her reflection splintered into a score of mini-slayers.

"But there can be only one, and I'm still alive."

She closed her eyes and counted several seconds before opening them again. It was then she caught another reflection. She swung round to look at a figure standing outside the still open front door. She blinked several times, tears stinging. It was the first person she had seen for two days, other than the walking dead she had despatched earlier. Buffy stared at the visitor, different emotions conflicting.

"Can I come in?" Spike asked finally.

"You don't have to ask…I haven't reset the seals."

"I know," he stepped across the threshold. "I was only being polite."

Buffy smiled, the first time for a while. "Who are you and what have you done with the real Spike?" He ignored her attempt at humour and stepped closer. "Dawn's gone, if you were calling to visit," she added.

"I know. She popped in on the way to say goodbye."

"I'm glad she did….Spike please," she pleaded when he reached out to her. She stepped back to avoid his touch. She turned her back on him, but caught both of their reflections again in the broken mirror. There followed a lengthy silence, which Spike felt was inappropriate for him to break. "I tried to reach Angel this evening," Buffy eventually revealed. She turned round to face him. Spike made no attempt to hide his feelings, which she noticed revealed more hurt than anger. "I wanted to ask him what his favourite ice cream flavour was," she attempted at humour. It didn't work. "Cordelia answered the phone. She said he was busy with his son."

"Say what?"

"It's a prophecy thing, apparently."

"I'm hesitant to ask…."

"Darla," Buffy interrupted.

"Holy shit, Batman!" Spike exclaimed. Buffy was momentarily taken aback. "It must be some prophecy if she was raised again. Mind you, it figures; he never could take his hands off her…I'm sorry, Buffy," he added.

"What right has he to a son?" Buffy raged, this time shocking Spike. "He's nothing but a monster. He butchered his way across Europe. He killed Jenny. He….."

"He left you," Spike interrupted. "Are you angry because he has a child, or that you aren't it's chosen mother?"

Buffy glared at him, defiant and determined to hold on to her anger. Spike looked at her, his expression blank, betraying neither anger of his own nor compassion. Buffy slapped him across the face to illicit a response. He raised his hand to return the gesture, but held off when, at the last millisecond he realised she wasn't going to flinch. Buffy looked distraught; how dare he treat her like a child, or worse; was she not worth the anger? She thought. She went to slap him again, but Spike grabbed her hand. She tried to pull it back but his grip was too strong. They stared at each other for several seconds before Spike released her. He placed his hands on her shoulders and Buffy allowed him pull her closer. She let him stroke her face. But, when he leant in to kiss her, she pulled back.

"Love me and despair, Spike." She walked round him and out of the house, stepping on to the veranda.

Spike let her go and didn't follow, instead observing a hundred slayers reflected in the broken mirror. He bent down and picked up several fallen shards of glass and placed them in a nearby basket. He then took down the mirror frame, carried it to the kitchen and laid it by the back door. He noticed the sink was full of unwashed dishes. He set about cleaning them. An hour later he walked out on to the veranda, carrying two glasses of brandy.

"You in the moonlight, could you ever love a man like me?" He asked simply.

Buffy turned round to face him. She put on a look of suspicion. "That's a Stevie Nicks lyric, isn't it?"

"It might be. So what yer doin'?" He ventured, sensing her anger had reduced.

She turned round and looked up at the sky. "I was looking at the stars. I thought I might wish upon one."

Spike went and stood beside her. He dared to put his arm round her. She didn't attempt to pull away. This almost overwhelmed him; it scared him how much she could affect him. He knew he was 'nothing but a monster', much more so than Angel, although not as bad as Darla, he rated.

"Knowing your luck," he commented. "You'll pick a satellite. Space hardware rarely grants wishes."

Buffy leant into him. "Spike."

"Yes, love."

"You missed some plates." She indicated a small pile of dishes on the ground by the door.

"I'll get them in the morning."

"In the morning? You're confident."

"I'm that good," he responded. Buffy returned her attention to looking at the stars. "I can't give you a child or a normal life," he stated. Buffy faced him again. "What you see is what you get."

"A child has never been an option. As for a normal life…I'm a slayer. I'm special, unique. I save the world and make it better place to live in."

"Live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse," Spike added looking down at her.

Buffy laughed. "What a wonderful set of images," she smiled genuinely, nearly felling Spike with its honest intensity. She turned and re-entered the house. When she saw Spike hadn't followed she looked round. "Are you staying out all night? You could catch the death of cold that way."

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"I thought so."

**end**

'Don't you know when you're loving anybody, baby,

You're taking a gamble on a little sorrow,

But then who cares, baby,

'Cause we may not be here tomorrow, no.

And if anybody should come along,

He gonna give you any love and affection,

I'd say get it while you can, yeah!'

(Janis Joplin)


End file.
